I swear to God, I thought we'd done this already. Seriously. Didn't I go about 9 rounds with a veritible CLUSTERFUCK of ants a few years ago? Haven't I done my time? Isn't the mere fact that I've survived plague, pestilence, famine and ex-husbands enough to earn me Karma points on a scale with Mother freakingTeresa? What deity with a functioning sense of justice sees the justice in now having every nasty-assed ant in a five mile radius descend on my garden, which is, incidentally?... Attached to my fucking HOUSE.
The first day I find an ant in my house, there's totally going to be a mushroom cloud where Missouri used to be.
I have NO, count it, NO tolerance for buggage in my home. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Me and bugs in general get along about as well as Tom Sizemore and Gloria Steinem, much less me and bugs in my house. The very thought sends me perilously close to spontaneous embolism. I can't take it. When the little asshats showed up, pretty much out of NOWHERE, yesterday (don't ask me... I have no idea why. One day we have pretty much negative ant population, the next day? It's the Mardi Gras for the small and terminally creepy. *shudders* Icky little bastards.), I immediately sent Jonathan to get some spray for around the garden and garage, where they seemed to be congregating. He comes back, instead, with some granule stuff. Allegedly the ants are attracted to it, eat it, and fall over dead.
You noticed that word 'allegedly', right? Guess what the ants appear to be neither interested in eating nor in any way particularly affected by? Oh, shut up. My husband keeps telling me 'Well, they won't die overnight.' What the FUCK? Did I want someone to sell me something that was going to give the ants a nice case of jock itch? A head cold? DIAPER RASH? No, I wanted FATAL, people. Lick the granule and immediately call a goddamned priest. Do you hear what I'm saying? If I wanted something that was slow acting, I'd have just kept going out there with the Clorox Cleanup and hosing the little bastards down on an individual basis. 'Cause there is a certain satisfaction in that, FYI. And bleach, just so you know? Kills them FAST. They care for the Clorox not even a teensy bit.
The ants are busy trying to infiltrate the garage now. They're finding miniscule little seams at the edge of the garage door and making their way in. I'm not kidding. Sure, I may sound hysterical, but it's also TRUE. That whole hive consciousness thing... Jesus. I can't take it. I actually had nightmares last night about ants. Laugh at me and feel my sporkly wrath. I'm serious as a heart attack. I was up repeatedly last night with the nightmare that would NOT go away... kept dreaming about being covered in ants; they were swarming the house... and they were HUGE. It was beyond disturbing. God help everyone who lives here if they finally get into the house. I'll burn this bitch DOWN before I cave in to the ant collective.
THEY'RE THE FUCKING BORG!
I will not be assimilated...