I now know why it's a good thing I don't live right next door to a casino.
I went to a casino for the first time this week. Well, technically the first time was a couple of months ago when Mark and I stopped to eat at a casino and on the walk through the main area I spent 10 minutes at a slot machine, but I'm going to go with the whole 'that doesn't count' thing on that. Any arguments can be submitted in triplicate to itsmyworldandidonthearyouanyway.com. But I digress. What I learned this week... wait, that's not right. I learned several things this week. I should make a list. Don't we all love it when I make lists?
1) I OWN roulette. Seriously. I didn't win a million dollars or anything, but I played for roughly eight or nine hours total this week and walked away with ten dollars more than I started with. Now, anyone who's gambled AT ALL knows that that means? I kicked freaking ASS. When you consider I put in sixty dollars and walked out with seventy, I suddenly become the roulette GOD. Well, goddess, actually, as last time I checked I DO actually own girly bits, but that's another discussion entirely. Anyway. I now know exactly where to head if and when I'm in spitting distance of a casino again. I'm pretty sure I'll be screeching 'COME ON TWENTY EIGHT!' in my sleep tonight. I'm sure the cats will be thrilled. Scared shitless and likely hacking up hairballs left, right, and sideways, but thrilled underneath it all.
2) Mark can suck out my luck like a Hoover. I love him, God knows, but he walked up, plopped himself down in the seat next to me to give the roulettle he'd never tried before a shot, and where I'd been ahead when he got there? Within five minutes, I was almost wiped out and he was over there grinning like the first kid in line to see Santa, of course while sitting on a thirty dollar win. Which he got, by the way? Via an eleven dollar 'boo boo' bet he made when he kept tapping the screen to clear his bet and instead kept increasing it. 'Oopsie' eleven dollars on red. And it HIT. I almost had to beat him senseless and stuff him in the incinerator. But he has good points, and he's awfully cute, so I just sat there and pinched his head between my fingers when he wasn't looking. I squish your head! *pinch pinch pinch* Nothing, honey!
3) Geritol is in cahoots with casinos. They have to be. They're spiking old people's vitamins or maybe somehow they're slipping subliminal messages in the easy listening in the social security office waiting areas or something. I don't know. I just know that you can't throw a shoe (not that I actually did that... it never happened. What shoe? Did I say shoe? I wasn't even there. Oh, look, a chicken!) in a casino without hitting someone that can't eat solid foods and shouldn't be behind the wheel of a car. They're EVERYWHERE. And fyi? Not particularly friendly, either. So not only do casinos attract old people, they attract single-minded and GRUMPY old people. Forewarned is forearmed, people. Don't go in without backup.
4) Testosterone and its money are soon parted. I watched more men sit down at my (yes, MY... I OWN that roulette table. Didn't I mention that already?) table and proceed to lose thousands of dollars than I care to think about. Seriously, don't any of them have wives that will crucify them when they get home and have to explain that they lost junior's college fund? I sat there, happily playing on small amounts, staying generally ahead of the game (far more than most of THEM can say) even if only by a few bucks, and they're giving me eye-rolls as they yank out three or four hundred dollars and fork it over to the grinning roulette dealer (I don't guess they're called a dealer, as there's no dealing in roulette, more just throwing a ball around, but still... have to call them something until I google the right term, which I'm too lazy to do right now) person... and leave without it ten minutes later. So who's laughing then, GIRLY MAN?
5) They have ONE uniform that they make all the little wandering waitresses wear. This is a mistake. Not everyone should wear that uniform. Or maybe they should just try ordering it in more than one size. Just sayin'...
Casinos are fun, if you just look at them the right way. And go into it knowing and accepting the human animal's penchant for dipshittery. I know! I accept!
It was festive.